Waiting

Waiting on the Fulbright drove me slightly insane.

I still don’t have an answer.

I started checking e-mail twice-a-day again, something I haven’t done since I left for Argentina. Futilely hoping word would come from Beijing that I’d been granted the scholarship, that I was off to China next fall.

It got to the point where I was so anxious and pissed about not knowing, I couldn’t focus on my current projects. That’s when it was time to re-evaluate:

What does earning a Fulbright Scholarship change about me as a person? Would it alter my core values and beliefs about me or those around me?

Would being a Fulbright Scholar prove I’m a better person than the next guy? That I have more character, or that I’m more successful?

If I’m awarded a Fulbright, it means one thing: I played the game, this one single instance of the game, better than another person. The result is I get an opportunity someone else does not get. Nothing more, nothing less.

What does getting that acceptance letter, that promotion, that raise, mean to you besides an opportunity? Is it a single stepping stone along the path, or is it the destination? Is it validation for your hard work, your sacrifice, your personality?

Why should it carry so much weight?

I want the Fulbright - I really do. If I don’t get it, I’d be disappointed.

But regardless - what’s the difference?

A single opportunity, in a lifetime of opportunities.

Nothing more, nothing less.

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