Disappointment

I didn’t get the Fulbright. Am I disappointed? Yes, but disappointment requires time, and thus, a luxury I can hardly afford. Thus, we move to Plan B.

Art suggested a possible Plan B: apply for graduate study at a Chinese university through a fast-track at Rutgers. I’d pay for my travel, but everything else is covered: room, board, tuition, even a monthly living stipend.

The program would last about five years, and I’d come away fluent in Chinese, with a Master’s (probably an MBA,) and I’d be poised to take advantage of the job opportunities in China. Maybe most importantly, I’d be sheltered for the next five years; protected from the unemployment and recession plaguing the States right now.

I shared this opportunity with family members, and they said it sounded like a no-brainer.

Which it was.

I couldn’t go through with it.

Going to an expenses-paid graduate school is the safe bet, but when was “safe” ever good enough?

What about writing? What about the fact I want to be a young-adult fiction writer, or at least carve my niche in the publishing world?

What about the desire to travel anywhere in the world, whenever I wanted?

What about the fact I was never inclined to re-enter the world of academia?

What about all the things I want to do that doesn’t require Chinese fluency, hiding away for five years, or a degree that says I am a “master” of a particular subject?

Now isn’t the time for safe choices. It’s time to take risks, and make mistakes, while I’m in position to learn from them.

In five, 10 years from now, I might look back at this decision. Maybe I’ll be disappointed in my choice.

But disappointment is a luxury I can hardly afford.

Share and Enjoy: